I’m sorry, God, a slug ate my sermon.
Honestly, it’s true. And if I tell you that said sermon was languishing on the fireplace in my bedroom, you might get some idea of how horrific this incident really was.
A SLUG WAS IN MY BEDROOM!!!! *shudder*
And we’re not talking little wiggly thing, we’re talking big, fat, squidgy disgustingness!
So I’ve really had it with them now. Sliming around the downstairs of the house at three in the morning is one thing, but actually traversing the stairs in search of an alternative menu is quite another. I point-blank refuse to sleep with the slugs!
HELP!!!
Does anyone have any bright ideas as to how to get rid of these disgusting, squidgy pests?
Slugs Chow Down on Manuscript
Beware, hungry slugs!
Not only are they partial to whatever luscious lovely green things you plant in your garden (the technical term I believe being plants) but they also love to mull over and digest any manuscripts (partial or complete – they’re not fussy) that you happen to leave around within slug reach. The other night I’d left a draft of Shadow lying on the floor in the lounge. The next morrning I found it slimed over and chewed. The squidgy little muncher didn’t even leave any tips!
But I started thinking, if I was planning on opening a slug cafe, who would I put on the menu? Presuming Slugs have little by way of taste, the cafe could be my own literary Room 101. I could feed the slugs with all the stuff I didn’t like… hmmmm…
Bardwell’s All Night Chow Fest
Special Set Menu
Starter
G.P. Taylor’s Shadowmancer (…a very light concoction of words the writer forgot to look up in the big book called a d-i-c-t-i-o-n-a-r-y before committing them to the page.)
Main Course
Philip Pullman’s Northern Lights Trilogy (…after a light starter one needs a substantial main, and this trilogy will leave you feeling bloated and wondering whether he needed all of those words to say ‘religion bad’.)
Dessert
My spare copy of Kevin Brooks’s Lucas (…because after serving up that menu I’d feel sufficiently guilty that I’d have to offer up something sweet and lovely and poignant so they’d be conned into coming back and trying the adult fiction menu. A nice side of Dan Brown, anyone?)
